Stories the Officers Wouldn't Tell:  The Fruitcake
by Irish Story Teller
Summary: The officers of the grandest ship afloat have to deal with the least likely thing imaginable...a fruitcake as told through the eyes of Charlies Lightoller.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** All _Titanic_ characters belong to their respective owners and to history. I make no claims to them. All non-_Titanic_ characters are mine and made by me. I make no money off this work of fiction. It is written for entertainment purposes only.

Chapter One

It was in Southampton that we were given what we were told was a "treat for our fine service."

By "treat" we thought an extra helping of _good_ food or perhaps a raise in pay.

But no, we got a fruitcake...

...That I believe was forged in the lake of fire...next to the Colonial house.

Normally I could eat such things but this one I immediately retched upon trying. Even Pitman who would eat things that would kill a snake turned green after trying it.

Will Murdoch and I stood with our backs against the nearest counter staring at our arch nemesis as it sat on the table in the officer's mess. I still say it stared back at us with its invisible beady little eyes.

Instead of saying what we were to do for our duties today we argued how to get rid of the desert.

Sherlock Holmes had a collection of villains and crimes to solve...

...We had a fruitcake.

I sighed, "Will, what _are_ we going to do with this?"

"We could leave it out for the passengers."

I waved my hand as if to dismiss Will's idea, "_Why_ would we want to punish them?"

"Have you got a _better_ idea Lights?"

"I can't say that I do."

"Maybe the rats will eat it."

"We should put it closer to steerage then."

"Right. You go do it."

"No, you do it!"

"I rank you!"

"It was _your_ idea!"

In the end we ordered Mister Moody to remove it from our sight. While muttering something under his breath about our mothers the dreaded deed was done.

Will leaned against the counter as I climbed on top of it to sit on it and stretch my long legs.

"I've seen you watching that pretty second class girl," Will said.

"Josephine?" I asked.

"_That's_ her name?"

I felt my face blush as I admitted that it was indeed her.

Will grinned at me. I frowned at him upon seeing it was an evil smirk he had when he was planning something. The man was often by-the-book but possessed a wicked sense of humor that he would occasionally release.

"What are you planning Will?" I asked.

"What made you think I was planning anything?"

"We've been best friends for too long. I know when you're up to something...Don't you dare tell Josie how I feel about her!"

Will's head swiveled towards mine, "Oh, so you _do_ like her!"

"Well..."

"Lights, it's obvious to any man who's ever been in love how you feel about her. Do you even _know_ her?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Lost love?"

"You have no idea."

"She broke off your relationship?"

"Worse. Her father threatened to have me dismissed from White Star Line if I didn't stop seeing her. I was almost accused of something I didn't do."

"Oh," Will's voice was saddened by my revelation. "Do you know what's happened to her since then?"

"No idea."

"Do you want to know?"

I hesitated. My mind thought up thousands of lies to tell Will until my mouth opened and the truth came out, "Yes."

"You!" Mister Moody's voice snapped. He leaned heavily against the doorframe. One shaking arm was stretched out at us as his finger moved from Will to myself.

His face and uniform was rumpled and covered in soot making it look like someone dragged him screaming backwards through the boiler room by his ankles.

His finger pointed from me, to Will, and then back to me. "Both of yooou..."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"What happened to you Mister Moody?" Will exclaimed.

I sat bolt upright fearing something terrible had befallen our sixth officer.

"I tried giving that fruitcake to the men in the boiler room and they wouldn't take it! I tried being nice and they chased me out of there!" Mister Moody began.

His brown eyes glared daggers at us.

Before we could talk he continued, "I tried offering it to Mister Ismay...how was I supposed to know he was sick? I gave it to the Captain who took one bite and threatened me with dismissal if I ever offered him such an atrocious food item again!"

"That's terrible!" I cried out.

"That's not the best part!" Mister Moody interrupted. "Oh no, it gets far, far better. The stewards wouldn't have it; the stewardesses chased me out of the glory hole threatening me with certain death. Mister Andrews even told me not to go back there unless I had armed company..."

"Is that the worst of it?" Will meekly asked.

Mister Moody shook his head, "Not by far, sir."

"Oh dear."

"I offered it to a first class lady who was with her daughter. I've never seen a person flee so fast in my life! Let me tell you that was not a pretty sight, watching a woman flee in a hobble skirt. I even put the fruitcake in steerage where I knew the rats often lived. They _ran away_ from it. That thing is _possessed_ I tell you!"

Will's face contorted into one of sympathy; "At least the worst is over Mister Moody."

"No, it's not!"

Will and I exchanged glances worrying what Mister Moody was about to reveal to us. Our unsaid question was soon answered.

"Who is the knucklehead told that Irish stewardess that I liked her?"

My shoulders slumped.

Oh boy.

Mayda O'Brian was one of the first class stewardesses that had captured the heart and mind of both Mister Moody and Mister Lowe. She was one of the few people that _avoided_ the attention of passengers and crewmembers.

"It wasn't me," I confessed.

Will shrugged, "I didn't even know how you felt about her."

Mister Moody frowned as his arms folded across his chest. He pursed his lips while glaring at the two of us.

I was the first to notice how his posture straightened and how quickly he removed his hat.

Light footsteps followed by the sound of skirts swishing greeted our ears.

I slid off the counter just in time to see Miss Mayda timidly walk into the room. She wrung her hands in front of her as she opened her mouth to speak.

"I'm terribly sorry to bother ye, sirs," she began.

"You weren't disturbing us Miss O'Brian. Mister Lightoller and myself were just leaving," Will interrupted giving her one of his friendly smiles.

"The Cap'n couldn't find anyone else an' asked me to tell ye, Mister Murdoch, that he requests yer presence on the bridge."

"Lights, Mister Moody, excuse me," Will began. He stepped past me and to Miss Mayda, "Do you require an escort anywhere Miss O'Brian?"

Over Will's shoulder I could see Miss Mayda blush seven shades of crimson and shake her head, "No, thank ye Mister Murdoch."

Miss Mayda was a tall and rather pretty lass though as timid as a rabbit, especially around men. I reckoned Moody had a good three to four inches on her in height when she wasn't wearing heels.

Her hair was curly, brown in color and had been carefully pinned up. Her brown eyes gave Mister Moody and I one last glance before she disappeared from my view.

She had to be close to Mister Moody's age, a year younger at the most.

"Mister Moody?" I asked.

Mister Moody's head was turned, as he was too busy watching Miss Mayda leave.

"Mister Mooooooody?" I paused again, half in amusement. Finally I called him by his nickname, "Jimmy!"

Mister Moody's head snapped towards mine, "Sir?"

I grinned at him as I walked towards him. "I know that look Mister Moody. The lass is quite shy. Be _nice_."

"I _am_ nice."

"You weren't when you put that fruitcake down for the rats to eat." I laughed at his frowning face knowing full well that he wanted to take off his hat and smack me with it but could not due to my ranking him.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

By the time I got off my evening shift I had convinced myself that the rats had started to devour the wretched fruitcake. No food item could be possessed...could it?

I brushed the thoughts from my head as I exited the wheelhouse. I pulled my overcoat around me, as I knew soon we would be docked at Ireland for a new set of passengers.

I watched as Mister Lowe left to go below decks. He had been dead on his feet for the last few hours of our shift. I heard him mumble something to Will though I could not make out the words.

"Evening Lights," Will said to me.

"Good evening Will."

"Has Mister Moody gotten anywhere with our shy stewardess?"

"His feelings are painfully clear for us to see. He's as in love with her as that fruitcake is evil."

Smirking at me Will shook his head; "You might want to reconsider your words Lights."

"I've almost never seen someone as timid as she is. I think if I were to sneak up on her and say 'boo' she'd run away."

"Some people are shy. Perhaps she's homesick, misses her family, or, or any number of things. Heaven only knows what type of life she had before she joined White Star Line."

I nodded, "Lowe hides it better but he's just as in love with her as our Mister Moody is."

"I don't envy her."

I laughed, "Why? Would you want two men in chasing after you?"

Blushing Will shook his head; "I was fortunate enough _not_ to have to compete for my Ada's affections. When I was a wee lad I had two lasses chasing after me. I remember those days well."

"You frequently hid from them?"

"Oh yes. Samantha showed her love for me by chasing me down and routinely beating me up. Amy followed me everywhere..." Quickly changing the subject Will added, "I never expected our two officers to fall for someone so quickly."

I shrugged, "It happens from time to time. We're practically on a floating island and one learns to make friendships quickly."

A voice behind us piped up, "Good evening Mister Murdoch, Mister Lightoller."

"Good evening Mister Moody," Will and I chorused.

When Mister Moody said nothing about our previous conversation I assumed he hadn't heard a word of it.

I clapped Will on the shoulder; "I'm off to make my rounds. Cheerio!"

I had made my way down the second class hallway to find myself stopping at one room. I knew from the registry it was the room of Josie Phillips and her parents. My hand raised to knock on the door but paused. I wondered if I should knock and if I did, who would answer?

Friend or foe?

My question was answered as the door opened. I looked down to find myself staring at Josie's lovely face.

Her hair had been elegantly arranged with stray wisps of hair in front of her ears. She wore a deep green dress that matched her eyes...eyes I could get lost in. On her delicate hands were long black gloves. Around her neck was a gold heart shaped locket with a small amethyst stone in the center. The very same locket I gave her from a few years ago when we last saw one another.

"Charles!" She gasped.

By the tone in her voice I knew she was surprised to see me standing here. The last time we saw one another I was telling two youngsters not to lean over the ship's railing.

I stared in awe at this woman I still loved so much standing in front of me. Finally I removed my hat and smiled at her.

"Josie," I said.

Josie began to fidget. "What brings you here Charles?"

That was a good question, what _did_ bring me here? I had simply followed my feet with no direction in mind. Some_thing_ had clearly planned for me to meet her here, I was certain of it.

"I...I was in the area," I slowly said. "Can I escort you anywhere Miss Josie?"

"My parents are waitin' for me in the dining hall."

"I'll take you as far as far as the doors."

Josie opened her mouth but then changed her mind and took my arm.

We made small talk as I purposefully took the long route to the dining hall.

"I hope I didn't make your parents wait for too long," I lied.

Josie gave me a small smile; "Knowin' how Da isn't the most punctual person they probably just made it there."

"Wonderful!"

"...But Mister Bryan Turner must already be there..."

"Who is Bryan Turner?" I asked though I did not really want to know the answer.

"He's a...it's not important."

"He's a suitor, isn't he?"

Josie nodded and my heart sank. "He's someone my Da approves of."

"Oh," I quipped and quickly aborted the continued action of taking the long way around. Instead I took the direct route to the pretty dining saloon doors. Just outside the doors I stopped and kissed Josie's hand and left without speaking another word.

Inside my cabin I let my head hit the wall. The pain that rang through my head was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my heart. The love that never left my heart might be forced to marry someone else!

Some_one_ was devising against me! Some_thing_ was scheming! Some_thing_ indeed had been plotting for me that night...

It was the fruitcake!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The next morning I entered the officer's mess with my shoulders slumped and my eyes half closed. Inside I found Will chatting with Mister Pitman and Mister Boxhall.

"Did you get rid of the fruitcake?" Mister Boxhall's words greeted me.

"Good morning to you too," I grumbled. "And yes, Mister Murdoch and I had Mister Moody put the fruitcake in steerage."

Mister Pitman's already large eyes grew larger.

"But _why_ would you want to punish the people in steerage?" He wailed.

"We were hoping the rats would eat it," Will explained.

"Oh. Very good."

"If all else fails maybe it'll poison them," Mister Boxhall laughed.

"Or turn them into super rats," Mister Pitman added. "We'll find them chewing through the pipes in no time. If they can get through the pipes they could chew through the hull of the ship..."

"You and your fantasies!"

"Maybe _you_ would have more of an imagination if you actually read a book once in a while!"

"Boys!" I interrupted the argument. "Boys, you're both pretty."

Mister Boxhall's head cocked to the side, "Well I...wait...what?"

It was then Mister Pitman decided to change the subject, "How fair our Mister Moody and Mister Lowe in the affections of Miss O'Brian?"

"They don't," Will answered.

"We don't what?" Mister Lowe's voice called out.

Before Mister Pitman could answer Will interrupted, "You don't know what happened to that fruitcake."

"Oh, Mister Moody and I _do_ know."

"And...?" I questioned.

"It's still sitting where Mister Moody left it, hard as a rock, and without one single, solitary bite mark in it."

"The rats seem to have more sense than we do," Mister Boxhall griped.

"Where's Mister Moody?" I asked.

"He's trying to get rid of it."

"How? By throwing it overboard?"

"He's convinced that'll make it angry. No, he's trying to shove it down the sink's drain hoping that'll get rid of it. Don't they lead to the outside of the ship where they'll get dumped into the sea?"

Will opened his mouth to answer when we heard a terrible scream.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhhh!"

The five of us raced out of the room...or rather tried to. Ever try to see five grown men try to make it out of a door at once?

I was shoved against the doorframe by someone's shoulders until the pressure was released and I was free.

"What is it? What the hell happened?" Mister Lowe demanded.

Mister Moody pointed at the sink, his eyes wide and expression unreadable. "It killed the sink! It killed the sink!"

"_What_ killed the sink?" Mister Pitman demanded.

"The fruitcake! The sink is completely blocked up and I can't unblock it!"

Mister Boxhall sighed, "You could have thrown it overboard, Mister Moody!"

"And have the sea throw it back at us? Not likely!"

"How are we going to explain this to the Captain?" Will asked.

"Forget the Captain! Think of Mister Andrews! He'll have a fit!" Mister Lowe shrieked.

"Right!" I announced over their voices. "Moody, Will, stay with me. You three, you've got duty. Shoo!"

"What do we do?" Mister Moody asked as I examined the sink.

Gritting my teeth I braced myself as I reached into the sink. I pulled out pieces of broken fruitcake by the handful and deposited them on the counter next to the sink. I did this who knows how many times until I was satisfied the blockage was removed.

Turning I looked at the mess on the counter and sighed.

If I didn't think the fruitcake was possessed before I was convinced of it now!

The three of us remained standing in silence until Mister Moody meekly spoke up, "I think it's staring at us."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

After having engaged the remains of the fruitcake in a staring contest that we lost we decided to throw it out. The bag that was used ripped on us leaving an ugly mess in the container.

"I'm not touching that," Will quipped.

"The bakers are going to curse us," I said.

"Let's flee now," Mister Moody added.

Ah, the better part of valor.

Nothing like it in the world!

I spent the time before my shift wandering aimlessly about the decks. I was able to force the thoughts of the fruitcake out of my mind but could not force Josie's memory away. The harder I tried the harder I remembered her and how my heart ached.

I had seen her taking a stroll with her mother and a man I didn't recognize. She had looked in my direction and I turned away.

The stranger, I reckoned, was Bryan Turner.

I knew her parents hated me but did not know why. Perhaps it was my age; I _was_ eleven-years-older than her. If it wasn't my age then what was it?

Black hair stuck out from underneath the stranger's hat and hazel eyes scrutinized me. He was a handsome fellow though there was something about him I did not like and it wasn't the fact that he was with Josie.

My only comfort was this stranger was escorting Josie's mother and not Josie herself.

Josie looked beautiful in her pale pink dress. The cream colored lace complimented the garment nicely and set off her deep emerald eyes.

Leave it to me to also notice her matching hat with the pink ribbons that floated around her face in the breeze.

Turning with my front to the wall I removed my hat and rested my forehead against the cold wall. Reaching up the palm of my hand traced a long line down the cool paint that refused to warm to my touch.

For how long I remained like that I did not know. There was no one to see me so it did not matter.

Something touched my back making me turn around to look. For a moment I thought a stewardess had found me. Turning myself completely around I saw Josie looking up at me.

She managed a small smile before doing the last thing I expected.

Her gloved hands cupped my face as she brought my face down to hers. The next thing I knew she was kissing me and I returned the kiss as my heart pounded in my chest.

My arms went around her middle knowing that I could very well regret the action later. All that mattered to me was having her in my arms one last time.

Josie's hands remained cupping my head as she broke off our kiss.

"Charles, I need to speak to you," Josie began. "Some place private."

"Of course, come with me."

I took Josie into an empty first class stateroom. The passengers who were originally to occupy the room canceled their tickets at the last minute. A few other passengers had done the same making many of us wonder why.

I shut the door behind me and looked to Josie who had stopped in the middle of the room. She began to fidget as she spoke.

"Charles, I know what you're thinking with Mister Turner but it's not real."

"What do you mean 'what I'm thinking'?" I asked.

"I _don't_ love him! My parents—they wanted me to marry some wealthy man so my future would be set. I _don't_ want to marry him."

My arms folded across my chest as I watched Josie's every move. "What's this got to do with _me_?"

The words came out harsher than I meant them to. I instantly regretted having said them. My mouth opened to apologize when Josie shook her head.

"I'm sorry I bothered you," Josie quickly said.

She started to walk past me with her head low when I took her arm. I didn't need to see her face to know she was upset with me.

"Josie, Josie I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I..." I choked on my own words. I couldn't give Josie the life that she deserved and I knew it. I then spoke the hardest words I ever had to utter, "I'm sorry Josie, Mister Turner can have you."

The tears that formed in Josie's eyes were worse than anything I had to face before. I would've rather been shipwrecked again than to have to see her cry.

She pulled her arm free from my grasp and exited the room weeping.

She had put her heart on the line for me and I broke it.

Perhaps I deserved to be in hell with that fruitcake...


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Will Murdoch, bless him, had a way to work his magic on anyone. The last I had seen of him he was helping Miss Mayda move a chest of drawers that some first class woman wanted moved. I later learned that woman, for the life of her, could not make up her mind on where she wanted that blasted piece of furniture.

There was _always_ one aboard every ship.

Finally Will convinced the first class woman that her cabin was perfect and moving anything at all would diminish it's beauty.

Miss Mayda was so grateful for Will's actions that she hugged him and we had never seen her hug anyone.

"Is our timid little stewardess warming up?" I asked Will over dinner.

Will shrugged, "Once she gets to know you she comes out of her shell."

"Really?"

Will nodded, "Would you believe she has seven younger brothers and sisters?"

"I didn't know that. That's quite a family."

"Neither did I. She became a stewardess to support them. Right now they're living on a neighbor's good graces."

"What about her parents?"

I noticed how Will's gaze immediately went towards the table.

"Did I say something wrong?" I asked.

Will motioned for me to lean in close to him, "You _didn't_ hear this _at all_. Miss Mayda's mother was murdered. Her father refused to pay some sort of bribery for some bad fellows to protect them and one of them came to her house. Her father drowned in a boating accident a few months ago."

"That's terrible!" I whispered.

Will nodded in agreement.

"Lowe and Moody are both head over heels in love and have no idea," I said.

Will nodded again, "Just remember to be extra patient with her."

"Of course." I paused, "What do you think made them both fall for her?"

"She's pretty, she's kind, though she worries a wee bit_ too_ _much_ about things," Will narrated as he counted each character feature on his fingers.

We heard footsteps enter the officer's mess but ignored them until a familiar voice spoke up, "Good evening gentlemen."

As if loaded springs had gone off from under us Will and I jumped out of our seats and saluted.

"Good evening Captain," we chorused.

Captain Smith returned the salute and let his arm drop. "Gentlemen, I have heard a story about...a fruitcake being left for the bakers?"

"Yes sir," Will quietly said.

"Perhaps you two would care to explain the story to me."

Will and I exchanged looks as if we were naughty children caught doing exactly what we were not supposed to be doing.

I started speaking with Will finishing my sentences and adding in anything I might have forgotten.

We continued until a steward entered and dropped a sack on the table.

"The chief baker said it was...a fruitcake. I think it's more of...I don't know what. It's like a pile of...mush," the steward said.

"Thank you," Captain Smith said to the steward. He turned to us, "I believe you gentlemen know what to do."

He left us standing there staring at the sack.

"I think Mister Moody is right..." I began.

"...It _is_ staring at us," Will finished.

"Perhaps we should throw it overboard."

"You know it will come back and grace us with its presence tomorrow."

"Then what do you suggest we do? Get an exorcist?"

"I do believe there is a priest on board."

Will and I had agreed to leave the remains of the fruitcake there until the morning when we could discuss what to do with it with the other officers.

As Will went to bed I decided to roam the decks before retiring for the evening. My mind was so filled with assorted thoughts I could not rest. I continued my walk until I saw a lone figure standing with her gloved hands on the railing.

Upon closer inspection I saw it was Josie.

Swallowing my pride I walked until I stood next to her. I glanced in her direction though she did not look at me.

"Josie, I know I've said some things..." I began.

"Charles," she interrupted. "Charles, I can't—"

"Hear me out Josie. Please." I stretched my arm out to touch her face and turn it towards mine. "Josie, I still love you. I've never stopped loving you or thinking about you."

Josie shook her head, "Charles..."

Anything I could have said was cut off by strong hands seizing the front of my overcoat. By the time my brain realized what was happening I was bent over backwards over the railing with someone holding onto me. This person was also the only thing from keeping me from falling overboard.

"What business do you think you have by bothering an unprotected woman?" Bryan Turner demanded.

This day just kept on getting better and better...


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

"Bryan, Charles, stop this!" Josephine shouted at us. "Bryan, let him go!"

_No, pull the rest of me back over the railing so I can't fall overboard __and then let me go_, I thought.

Turner looked over at her as I considered my options of getting away from him. We were roughly the same height but he had quite a bit of muscle weight on me. I was as lanky as he was muscular.

My head snapped back as I was jerked away from the railing and crudely tossed away as if I were a broken rag doll. Pain shot up my hip and elbows as I rather ungracefully landed on the wooden deck.

I was clearly getting too old for this.

"Charles!" I heard Josie cry out. The next thing I knew she was at my side sliding one of her arms around my shoulders.

"Get away from him Josie," Turner growled.

"You could've hurt him!" Josephine snapped.

Not wanting to admit to the pain my elbow was in I sat up and glared at my nemesis.

"I'm fine, Josie," I lied.

"Keep out of this Josie," Turner said. "This is between me and him."

"Both of you need to stop this!" Josie ordered. "Enough of the violence!"

Turner looked me over again as I hobbled to my feet. I sensed if he could get away with it I would be locked in a battle for my very life at this moment.

"Josie, come with me. We're leaving!" Turner announced in an authoritative tone of voice.

"No."

He looked her, "Sorry?"

"I'm not goin' with you."

"You'd rather be with _him_?"

"I _know_ him."

Should I be relieved or worried about retribution? Either way I decided to stay quiet as this argument played out.

Turner questioned my existence and my abilities and Josie defended me. This banter went back and forth for what felt like several minutes and it reminded me of something out of a novel. Finally Turner gave up with a remark that Josie could have me and the insanity that went along with me.

Once out of hearing range Josie looked to me, "Do you still hurt?"

Reluctantly I nodded, "I don't think anything is broken but I'll be sore for a few days. Oh my, what a few days we've had."

Giving me a small smile Josie pulled my cap off my head. With her other hand she brushed some of my dark blonde hair away from my forehead.

"Why do you continue to stay with me after what I put you through?" I asked.

"Because I still love you."

Before I could answer I heard a piercing cry.

James Moody was running past us at top speed all the while shrieking "Run for your lives! Welshman on the loose!"

"Moody! Get back here and face me like a man!" Harold Lowe shouted after him.

James, it had appeared, had gotten a head start in the running and showed no signs of slowing down.

Harold left wet footprints and water droplets on the deck as he raced past us.

"You coward!" Harold shouted at James.

"Is he...soakin' wet?" Josie slowly asked.

"This is going to be an interesting explanation. I can tell already," I said.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Having been able to track down the elusive stewardess Mayda O'Brian I began to question her on what had happened.

"It was somethin' about a bucket of cold water an' Mister Lowe sleepin'," she answered.

"He must've done it!" I cried out.

"Done what?" Josie and Miss Mayda asked in unison.

"Yesterday James had to wake Harry up. He threatened to get a bucket of cold water and dump it all over Harry if he didn't get up this instant. He must've done it!"

As if on cue once again James came running to us. "Has Mister Lowe come this way?"

"Not that I know of. Is he _still_ after you?" I asked.

"Harry doesn't give up! I've got to go!"

"He's going to be a master sprinter at this rate," I remarked.

"Moody!" Harry's voice shouted down the corridor.

"Ummm...distract him!" I ordered Miss Mayda. Grabbing Josie's hand I ran away with her.

Pulling Josie into an empty first class room she began to admonish me. "Charles, you shouldn't just leave her to fend for herself like that!"

"I'm banking on the fact that Mister Lowe _likes_ her enough to stop his pursuit of Mister Moody."

"And if he doesn't?"

"I haven't thought that far yet."

"Obviously...Mister Lightoller," James' disembodied voice came from behind the sofa.

"Mister Moody?" I asked.

"Nobody here but us cowards."

"Actually, he pulled me in here," Josie added.

"Get out from behind there," I instructed James.

Slowly James did as I ordered and looked at us. "I hate to think of what Harry is going to do to me tonight."

"He doesn't know how to short sheet a bed so that's one thing..." I blurted out.

"Short sheet a bed? What's that?"

"Well, you—"

"Charles, quit givin' him ideas!" Josie snapped.

If Miss Mayda was able to soothe the savage beast we never did learn.

We did, however, learn that fruitcakes could migrate. Smart evil food? Could this thing ever do something that was _good_? We could all die tomorrow and it would still be there waiting for some alien life that survived on wretched food!

James came into the officer's mess looking exhausted.

"Didn't you get any sleep last night?" Will asked him.

I really shouldn't have chosen that time to take a sip of my tea.

"They've invented smart fruit cakes! It moved into my bed!" James wailed.

Immediately I sprayed the tea all over the table.

Had Will not backed up so quickly he would also be covered in hot liquid. Carefully he reached over and handed me a cloth to wipe my face on.

"James, food is _not_ intelligent! It's not even alive!" Will scolded.

_At this rate it'll sink our ship_, I thought.

Famous last words, eh?

"It got in there _somehow_!" James announced. "If the remains didn't grow legs then how did it get in there?"

As if on cue Harry came waltzing into the room whistling a cheerful tune.

"So you think that Mister Lowe carried the fruitcake remains into Mister Moody's room and dumped them on his bed?" Josie asked.

Once again I had brought her to that spare first class room as we sat together on the sofa. I was leaned over enough so that my head rested on her shoulder with my forehead touching her neck.

I managed a nod to answer her question.

"Why don't the lot of you dispose of it? Throw it overboard or somethin'?"

"Because that would have been the _logical_ thing to do."

"No time like the present..."

"If I can get James to brave his cabin again we'll gather up the sheets and get rid of it somehow." Lifting my head I sat upright and looked at her. "But what if it creates a mutant race of sea life?"

"Then you're the next Doctor Frankenstein."

"You're being _sooo_ helpful."

"I aim to please."


End file.
